Friday, December 6, 2013
"But if Not".....
In spite of the joys and blessings, life is full of challenges. Bad things happen to good people. Many faithful people do not receive the miracle they sincerely and desperately seek. Our life's challenge is to maintain soft hearts and not become hardened (Alma 62:41). Even Christ felt forsaken and alone in Gethsemane.
Elder Neal A. Maxwell said, "There is, in the suffering of the highest order, a point reached - a point of aloneness - when the individual (as did the Savior on a much grander scale) must bear it, as it were, alone. Even the faithful may wonder if they can take any more or if they are in some way forsaken. Those who, as it were, stand at the foot of the cross, often can do so little to help absorb the pain and the anguish. It is something we must bear by ourselves in order that our triumph can be complete."
The Lord has assured us that He will be with us: "I will not leave you comfortless" (John 14:18). The Savior is our example. He is "a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief" (Isaiah 53:3). He said, "I have drunk out of that bitter cup which the Father hath given me" (3 Nephi 11:11). We too may have to drink from a bitter cup. The secret is to follow Christ's example and not become bitter.
Elder Dennis E. Simmons reminds us, "We must have the same faith as Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego. Our God will deliver us from ridicule and persecution, but if not....Our God will deliver us from sickness and disease, but if not....He will deliver us from loneliness, depression, or fear, but if not....Our God will deliver us from threats, accusations, and insecurity, but if not....He will deliver us from death or impairment of loved ones, but if not....we will trust in the Lord. Our God will see that we receive justice and fairness, but if not....He will make sure that we are loved and recognized, but if not....We will receive a perfect companion and righteous and obedient children, but if not,....we will have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, knowing that if we do all we can do, we will, in His time and in His way, be delivered and receive all that He has (D&C 84:35-38).
President Gordon B. Hinckley reminds us of this kind of faith: "Faith is something greater than ourselves that enables us to do what we said we will do. To press forward when we are tired or hurt or afraid. To keep going when the challenge seems overwhelming and the course is uncertain."
My grief journey, and that of my children, has not been an easy one. I naively thought that after getting through the difficult first year of birthdays and anniversaries, that life would get easier. That my grief would end. The second year turned out to be even harder than the first. The numbness had worn away and the realities of what my life had become, were starting to settle in. And here I am 5 1/2 years later, and I can honestly say now that it never ends. My life will never be what it once was. I will never again be who I once was. Our family, as happy as we are all trying to be, will never again in this life be complete. And that makes me very sad.
I will never forget that August day in 2007, as I sat with Melissa and Kim at Huntsman Cancer Institute, listening to the doctors and medical team telling us the realities of what we were facing. It was one of the hardest days of my life. Kim asked the doctor if he would ever be considered "cancer free". Dr. Glantz hesitated for just a moment and then said, "This tumor is what you will eventually die of." I remember clearly, turning to Melissa and saying with disbelief, "This is never going to end." What I meant was, unless we had a miracle happen, life as we knew it would never be the same. At that time, I was still hoping for a miracle. We didn't give up hope for many months after that, but looking back, what I felt that day was true.
I have great hope that I can find my way back to happiness again. I am working towards that. I have learned a lot about grief over the last few years, mostly the hard way. I am trying to appreciate the good things that my constant companions sorrow and grief have taught me. One of my friends sent me this very insightful link:
Elder Neal A. Maxwell said, "There is, in the suffering of the highest order, a point reached - a point of aloneness - when the individual (as did the Savior on a much grander scale) must bear it, as it were, alone. Even the faithful may wonder if they can take any more or if they are in some way forsaken. Those who, as it were, stand at the foot of the cross, often can do so little to help absorb the pain and the anguish. It is something we must bear by ourselves in order that our triumph can be complete."
The Lord has assured us that He will be with us: "I will not leave you comfortless" (John 14:18). The Savior is our example. He is "a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief" (Isaiah 53:3). He said, "I have drunk out of that bitter cup which the Father hath given me" (3 Nephi 11:11). We too may have to drink from a bitter cup. The secret is to follow Christ's example and not become bitter.
Elder Dennis E. Simmons reminds us, "We must have the same faith as Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego. Our God will deliver us from ridicule and persecution, but if not....Our God will deliver us from sickness and disease, but if not....He will deliver us from loneliness, depression, or fear, but if not....Our God will deliver us from threats, accusations, and insecurity, but if not....He will deliver us from death or impairment of loved ones, but if not....we will trust in the Lord. Our God will see that we receive justice and fairness, but if not....He will make sure that we are loved and recognized, but if not....We will receive a perfect companion and righteous and obedient children, but if not,....we will have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, knowing that if we do all we can do, we will, in His time and in His way, be delivered and receive all that He has (D&C 84:35-38).
President Gordon B. Hinckley reminds us of this kind of faith: "Faith is something greater than ourselves that enables us to do what we said we will do. To press forward when we are tired or hurt or afraid. To keep going when the challenge seems overwhelming and the course is uncertain."
My grief journey, and that of my children, has not been an easy one. I naively thought that after getting through the difficult first year of birthdays and anniversaries, that life would get easier. That my grief would end. The second year turned out to be even harder than the first. The numbness had worn away and the realities of what my life had become, were starting to settle in. And here I am 5 1/2 years later, and I can honestly say now that it never ends. My life will never be what it once was. I will never again be who I once was. Our family, as happy as we are all trying to be, will never again in this life be complete. And that makes me very sad.
I will never forget that August day in 2007, as I sat with Melissa and Kim at Huntsman Cancer Institute, listening to the doctors and medical team telling us the realities of what we were facing. It was one of the hardest days of my life. Kim asked the doctor if he would ever be considered "cancer free". Dr. Glantz hesitated for just a moment and then said, "This tumor is what you will eventually die of." I remember clearly, turning to Melissa and saying with disbelief, "This is never going to end." What I meant was, unless we had a miracle happen, life as we knew it would never be the same. At that time, I was still hoping for a miracle. We didn't give up hope for many months after that, but looking back, what I felt that day was true.
I have great hope that I can find my way back to happiness again. I am working towards that. I have learned a lot about grief over the last few years, mostly the hard way. I am trying to appreciate the good things that my constant companions sorrow and grief have taught me. One of my friends sent me this very insightful link:
15 Things I Wish I’d Known About Grief
After a year of grief, I’ve learned a lot. I’ve also made some mistakes along the way. Today, I jotted down 15 things I wish I’d known about grief when I started my own process.
I pass this onto anyone on the journey.
I pass this onto anyone on the journey.
1. You will feel like the world has ended. I promise, it hasn’t. Life will go on, slowly. A new normal will come, slowly.
2. No matter how bad a day feels, it is only a day. When you go to sleep crying, you will wake up to a new day.
3. Grief comes in waves. You might be okay one hour, not okay the next. Okay one day, not okay the next day. Okay one month, not okay the next. Learn to go with the flow of what your heart and mind are feeling.
4. It’s okay to cry. Do it often. But it’s okay to laugh, too. Don’t feel guilty for feeling positive emotions even when dealing with loss.
5. Take care of yourself, even if you don’t feel like it. Eat healthily. Work out. Do the things you love. Remember that you are still living.
6. Don’t shut people out. Don’t cut yourself off from relationships. You will hurt yourself and others.
7. No one will respond perfectly to your grief. People–even people you love–will let you down. Friends you thought would be there won’t be there, and people you hardly know will reach out. Be prepared to give others grace. Be prepared to work through hurt and forgiveness at others’ reactions.
8. God will be there for you perfectly. He will never, ever let you down. He will let you scream, cry, and question. Throw all your emotions at Him. He is near to the brokenhearted.
9. Take time to truly remember the person you lost. Write about him or her, go back to all your memories with them, truly soak in all the good times you had with that person. It will help.
10. Facing the grief is better than running. Don’t hide from the pain. If you do, it will fester and grow and consume you.
11. You will ask “Why?” more times than you thought possible, but you may never get an answer. What helps is asking, “How? How can I live life more fully to honor my loved one? How can I love better, how can I embrace others, how can I change and grow because of this?”
12. You will try to escape grief by getting busy, busy, busy. You will think that if you don’t think about it, it’ll just go away. This isn’t really true. Take time to process and heal.
13. Liquor, sex, drugs, hobbies, work, relationships, etc., will not take the pain away. If you are using anything to try and numb the pain, it will make things worse in the long run. Seek help if you’re dealing with the sorrow in unhealthy ways.
14. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to need people. It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay.
15. Grief can be beautiful and deep and profound. Don’t be afraid of it. Walk alongside it. You may be surprised at what grief can teach you.
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Far Above Rubies
"Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies." Proverbs 31:10
One of my heroes also happens to be my much loved daughter, Melissa. From the time she was a tiny little girl, she seemed to be wise beyond her years. What a great comfort and support she has been to me all of my life, but especially over the last six years. Throughout Kim's battle with cancer and later his death, through the ups and downs of each member of our family dealing with grief, she has been our rock. At the same time, she has been battling her own grief and infertility. How my heart aches for her and her longing to welcome more precious children to her home and to her heart. I will probably never understand in my lifetime, why such an amazing and loving woman hasn't been blessed with the desires of her heart. And yet...to some degree, she has.
I want to share her story in her own words. This is from a talk that she gave on Mother's Day 2012:
"When Mark came home from mutual a couple weeks ago and asked me what my favorite thing to do on Mother’s Day was, this is not exactly what I had in mind. Of all the Sunday’s that the bishop could ask me to speak this is probably the one that I am the most intimidated by. I think my dad summed it up pretty well a few years ago when he was preparing a talk for Mother’s Day. He said to me, “I don’t really understand why but men feel differently about Father’s Day than women feel about Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day seems to make even the most wonderful, amazing women feel inadequate; while Father’s Day is a day where everyone else joins in celebrating how awesome I think I am every day.”
Today, the bishop has asked me to speak about sacrifice. As I have thought throughout the week about what I would say to you today my mind couldn’t help but go to the many women I have seen dedicate their lives in Christ-like service and sacrifice. As a woman and mother I look to the examples of my own mom, my grandmothers and aunts, my sisters and countless other women I know, including those in this ward. I appreciate all of the help and insights I receive from these women and from you. My challenges and joys are different from yours but I learn from your examples of faith, diligence, perseverance and charity.
In Proverbs 31:10 we read: Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies.
I have been greatly influenced by the scriptural accounts of the women of God. There is not much said about women throughout the scriptures but there is great power in the example of the women we read about. Neal A. Maxwell spoke about the great importance of these women of God. He says:
“Divine design—not chance—brought Mary forward to be the mother of Jesus. The boy prophet, Joseph Smith, was blessed not only with a great father but also with a superb mother, Lucy Mack, who influenced a whole dispensation.
When we would measure loving loyalty in a human relationship, do we not speak of Ruth and Naomi even more than David and Jonathan? And no wonder God with His perfect regard for women is so insistent about our obligations to widows.
A widow with her mite taught us how to tithe. An impoverished and starving widow with her hungry son taught us how to share, as she gave her meal and oil to Elijah. The divine maternal instincts of an Egyptian woman retrieved Moses from the bullrushes, thereby shaping history and demonstrating how a baby is a blessing—not a burden.
What greater conversation of anticipation has there been than that of Elisabeth and Mary when also the babe in Elisabeth leaped in recognition of Mary? (Luke 1:41).
Does it not tell us much about the intrinsic intelligence of women to read of the crucifixion scene at Calvary, “And many women were there beholding afar off.” (Matt. 27:55.) Their presence was a prayer; their lingering was like a litany. And who came first to the empty tomb of the risen Christ? Two women.
Who was the first mortal to see the resurrected Savior? Mary of Magdala. Special spiritual sensitivity keeps the women of God hoping long after many others have ceased.
The charity of good women is such that their “love makes no parade”; they are not glad “when others go wrong”; they are too busy serving to sit statusfully about, waiting to be offended. Like Mary, they ponder trustingly those puzzlements that disable others. God trusts women so much that He lets them bear and care for His spirit children.
In our modern kingdom, it is no accident that women were, through the Relief Society, assigned compassionate service. So often the service of women seems instinctive. It is precisely because the daughters of Zion are so uncommon that the adversary will not leave them alone.
To those women who aren’t mothers. Please know that the Lord is aware of you. I am all too familiar with the pain, sorrow, and loneliness that come when the desire to be a mother goes unfulfilled. As a little girl I wanted nothing more than to be a mother. I knew then that when I grew up I wanted a house full of kids. As a young woman I remember sitting in a lesson in my Beehive class where we were asked to write down the top three things we wanted to be when we grew up. My number one answer was: a mom. I was blessed to be surrounded by a mother and aunts who truly loved being mothers. As I saw the joy they experienced in caring for their families I knew that I wanted that for myself. I decided that someday I would have at least six children to fill my home. Then I met my amazing husband. When we were dating we talked a lot about what we wanted in the future. He was so supportive of my desire to be a mother. He wanted a big family too. We got married, bought a house, and it seemed like the time was right to expand our little family. For months nothing happened. Then months turned into years. We knew there was a problem so we decided that we should go see a doctor. After a few horrible tests we received the devastating news. Without the help of incredibly expensive, invasive, painful infertility treatments we would not be able to have children on our own.
My heart was broken as I realized that the thing that I wanted most in my life may never happen. I was bitter, hurt and even wondered if these things were happening to me because I wasn’t worthy of being a mother. I didn’t understand why the thing I wanted most, something that was a righteous desire, was being withheld from me. As time went on, people started questioning why Mark and I hadn’t had kids yet.
Sometimes the questions didn’t bother me and I was able to keep my head up. Other times it was all I could do to hold myself together enough to get out an answer. I spent hours on my knees pleading with the Lord to help me understand. As I turned to the Lord my heart was changed. Slowly my bitterness turned to hope. I still hurt, I still had that ache in my heart but I knew that the Lord had a plan for me. I understood that I was not being punished for something I had or hadn’t done. Prayerfully, Mark and I decided that we would go through one round of in vitro and see what happened. We scheduled it with our doctors and tried to prepare ourselves for the hardest thing either of us had ever done.
A few short weeks before we were scheduled to begin our first round of in vitro, we received more devastating news, this time about my dad. He had a brain tumor and would be going through cancer treatments to try to slow the growth of a very aggressive cancer. My immediate reaction was to stop all that we had planned. My parents had been there for me my entire life and I felt that now it was my turn to be there for them. As I talked to Mark, my parents, and the Lord, I knew that we needed to go forward with the round of IVF we had already planned and prepared for. The next few months were a blur of waiting rooms, doctors’ appointments, and shots. Mark quickly became a pro with a needle. Then came the day we would find out if all of it was worth it. October 14th, 2007 was the longest day of my life. We waited next to the phone all morning for the phone call that would tell us the results of my blood work, that call would tell us whether or not we were pregnant. Finally, the call came and we got the news that would change our lives forever. We were going to have a baby.
We could not have been more thrilled and there was no one more excited for us than my dad. This was both the happiest and the most devastating time of my life. We were having the baby we had waited so long for, but I was watching my dad fight a losing battle with cancer. I wanted so badly for my dad be there to meet our new baby. My dad passed away on June 5th, 2008. Twelve days later Brooklynn was born and I know that my dad was there to meet her.
In going through these experiences I came to understand something that I hadn’t before. Because I didn’t have children that needed my time and attention, I was able to spend precious time with my father before he passed away. The Lord knew what I needed far more than I did. I have seen the hand of the Lord in my life and I understand a little better the timing of the Lord. How grateful I am for a loving Heavenly Father who blesses us with the things that we need, even when we don’t always understand what those things are.
Infertility is something that is still a struggle for us. Letting go of my dream of having a houseful of little ones has been and continues to be so difficult for me. But I am
so incredibly grateful for my two sweet little girls and the love and laughter, and even the tears and tantrums, they fill our home with.
To the women of this ward: whether you are old or young, married or single, a mother, an aunt, a teacher, a friend: Thank you! Thank you for being a strength and example to me and to my little girls. Thank you for being virtuous women whose price is far above rubies."
How grateful I am that Heavenly Father has blessed me with such a wonderful daughter. She is a beautiful mother of two precious little girls who look just like she did when she was younger. Her struggles with infertility have made her love and appreciate EVERY aspect of pregnancy and motherhood. She has become a great woman full of love and compassion. How very blessed I was to stand by her side one week after her father's funeral, as she labored to bring her beautiful Brooklynn into the world. The miracle of a life ending and another just beginning. She is truly far more precious to me than any jewel ever could be. Far above rubies!
One of my heroes also happens to be my much loved daughter, Melissa. From the time she was a tiny little girl, she seemed to be wise beyond her years. What a great comfort and support she has been to me all of my life, but especially over the last six years. Throughout Kim's battle with cancer and later his death, through the ups and downs of each member of our family dealing with grief, she has been our rock. At the same time, she has been battling her own grief and infertility. How my heart aches for her and her longing to welcome more precious children to her home and to her heart. I will probably never understand in my lifetime, why such an amazing and loving woman hasn't been blessed with the desires of her heart. And yet...to some degree, she has.
I want to share her story in her own words. This is from a talk that she gave on Mother's Day 2012:
"When Mark came home from mutual a couple weeks ago and asked me what my favorite thing to do on Mother’s Day was, this is not exactly what I had in mind. Of all the Sunday’s that the bishop could ask me to speak this is probably the one that I am the most intimidated by. I think my dad summed it up pretty well a few years ago when he was preparing a talk for Mother’s Day. He said to me, “I don’t really understand why but men feel differently about Father’s Day than women feel about Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day seems to make even the most wonderful, amazing women feel inadequate; while Father’s Day is a day where everyone else joins in celebrating how awesome I think I am every day.”
Today, the bishop has asked me to speak about sacrifice. As I have thought throughout the week about what I would say to you today my mind couldn’t help but go to the many women I have seen dedicate their lives in Christ-like service and sacrifice. As a woman and mother I look to the examples of my own mom, my grandmothers and aunts, my sisters and countless other women I know, including those in this ward. I appreciate all of the help and insights I receive from these women and from you. My challenges and joys are different from yours but I learn from your examples of faith, diligence, perseverance and charity.
In Proverbs 31:10 we read: Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies.
I have been greatly influenced by the scriptural accounts of the women of God. There is not much said about women throughout the scriptures but there is great power in the example of the women we read about. Neal A. Maxwell spoke about the great importance of these women of God. He says:
“Divine design—not chance—brought Mary forward to be the mother of Jesus. The boy prophet, Joseph Smith, was blessed not only with a great father but also with a superb mother, Lucy Mack, who influenced a whole dispensation.
When we would measure loving loyalty in a human relationship, do we not speak of Ruth and Naomi even more than David and Jonathan? And no wonder God with His perfect regard for women is so insistent about our obligations to widows.
A widow with her mite taught us how to tithe. An impoverished and starving widow with her hungry son taught us how to share, as she gave her meal and oil to Elijah. The divine maternal instincts of an Egyptian woman retrieved Moses from the bullrushes, thereby shaping history and demonstrating how a baby is a blessing—not a burden.
What greater conversation of anticipation has there been than that of Elisabeth and Mary when also the babe in Elisabeth leaped in recognition of Mary? (Luke 1:41).
Does it not tell us much about the intrinsic intelligence of women to read of the crucifixion scene at Calvary, “And many women were there beholding afar off.” (Matt. 27:55.) Their presence was a prayer; their lingering was like a litany. And who came first to the empty tomb of the risen Christ? Two women.
Who was the first mortal to see the resurrected Savior? Mary of Magdala. Special spiritual sensitivity keeps the women of God hoping long after many others have ceased.
The charity of good women is such that their “love makes no parade”; they are not glad “when others go wrong”; they are too busy serving to sit statusfully about, waiting to be offended. Like Mary, they ponder trustingly those puzzlements that disable others. God trusts women so much that He lets them bear and care for His spirit children.
In our modern kingdom, it is no accident that women were, through the Relief Society, assigned compassionate service. So often the service of women seems instinctive. It is precisely because the daughters of Zion are so uncommon that the adversary will not leave them alone.
To those women who aren’t mothers. Please know that the Lord is aware of you. I am all too familiar with the pain, sorrow, and loneliness that come when the desire to be a mother goes unfulfilled. As a little girl I wanted nothing more than to be a mother. I knew then that when I grew up I wanted a house full of kids. As a young woman I remember sitting in a lesson in my Beehive class where we were asked to write down the top three things we wanted to be when we grew up. My number one answer was: a mom. I was blessed to be surrounded by a mother and aunts who truly loved being mothers. As I saw the joy they experienced in caring for their families I knew that I wanted that for myself. I decided that someday I would have at least six children to fill my home. Then I met my amazing husband. When we were dating we talked a lot about what we wanted in the future. He was so supportive of my desire to be a mother. He wanted a big family too. We got married, bought a house, and it seemed like the time was right to expand our little family. For months nothing happened. Then months turned into years. We knew there was a problem so we decided that we should go see a doctor. After a few horrible tests we received the devastating news. Without the help of incredibly expensive, invasive, painful infertility treatments we would not be able to have children on our own.
My heart was broken as I realized that the thing that I wanted most in my life may never happen. I was bitter, hurt and even wondered if these things were happening to me because I wasn’t worthy of being a mother. I didn’t understand why the thing I wanted most, something that was a righteous desire, was being withheld from me. As time went on, people started questioning why Mark and I hadn’t had kids yet.
Sometimes the questions didn’t bother me and I was able to keep my head up. Other times it was all I could do to hold myself together enough to get out an answer. I spent hours on my knees pleading with the Lord to help me understand. As I turned to the Lord my heart was changed. Slowly my bitterness turned to hope. I still hurt, I still had that ache in my heart but I knew that the Lord had a plan for me. I understood that I was not being punished for something I had or hadn’t done. Prayerfully, Mark and I decided that we would go through one round of in vitro and see what happened. We scheduled it with our doctors and tried to prepare ourselves for the hardest thing either of us had ever done.
A few short weeks before we were scheduled to begin our first round of in vitro, we received more devastating news, this time about my dad. He had a brain tumor and would be going through cancer treatments to try to slow the growth of a very aggressive cancer. My immediate reaction was to stop all that we had planned. My parents had been there for me my entire life and I felt that now it was my turn to be there for them. As I talked to Mark, my parents, and the Lord, I knew that we needed to go forward with the round of IVF we had already planned and prepared for. The next few months were a blur of waiting rooms, doctors’ appointments, and shots. Mark quickly became a pro with a needle. Then came the day we would find out if all of it was worth it. October 14th, 2007 was the longest day of my life. We waited next to the phone all morning for the phone call that would tell us the results of my blood work, that call would tell us whether or not we were pregnant. Finally, the call came and we got the news that would change our lives forever. We were going to have a baby.
We could not have been more thrilled and there was no one more excited for us than my dad. This was both the happiest and the most devastating time of my life. We were having the baby we had waited so long for, but I was watching my dad fight a losing battle with cancer. I wanted so badly for my dad be there to meet our new baby. My dad passed away on June 5th, 2008. Twelve days later Brooklynn was born and I know that my dad was there to meet her.
In going through these experiences I came to understand something that I hadn’t before. Because I didn’t have children that needed my time and attention, I was able to spend precious time with my father before he passed away. The Lord knew what I needed far more than I did. I have seen the hand of the Lord in my life and I understand a little better the timing of the Lord. How grateful I am for a loving Heavenly Father who blesses us with the things that we need, even when we don’t always understand what those things are.
Infertility is something that is still a struggle for us. Letting go of my dream of having a houseful of little ones has been and continues to be so difficult for me. But I am
so incredibly grateful for my two sweet little girls and the love and laughter, and even the tears and tantrums, they fill our home with.
To the women of this ward: whether you are old or young, married or single, a mother, an aunt, a teacher, a friend: Thank you! Thank you for being a strength and example to me and to my little girls. Thank you for being virtuous women whose price is far above rubies."
How grateful I am that Heavenly Father has blessed me with such a wonderful daughter. She is a beautiful mother of two precious little girls who look just like she did when she was younger. Her struggles with infertility have made her love and appreciate EVERY aspect of pregnancy and motherhood. She has become a great woman full of love and compassion. How very blessed I was to stand by her side one week after her father's funeral, as she labored to bring her beautiful Brooklynn into the world. The miracle of a life ending and another just beginning. She is truly far more precious to me than any jewel ever could be. Far above rubies!
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