"But if Not".....

In spite of the joys and blessings, life is full of challenges. Bad things happen to good people. Many faithful people do not receive the miracle they sincerely and desperately seek. Our life's challenge is to maintain soft hearts and not become hardened (Alma 62:41). Even Christ felt forsaken and alone in Gethsemane.

Elder Neal A. Maxwell said, "There is, in the suffering of the highest order, a point reached - a point of aloneness - when the individual (as did the Savior on a much grander scale) must bear it, as it were, alone. Even the faithful may wonder if they can take any more or if they are in some way forsaken. Those who, as it were, stand at the foot of the cross, often can do so little to help absorb the pain and the anguish. It is something we must bear by ourselves in order that our triumph can be complete."

The Lord has assured us that He will be with us: "I will not leave you comfortless" (John 14:18). The Savior is our example. He is "a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief" (Isaiah 53:3). He said, "I have drunk out of that bitter cup which the Father hath given me" (3 Nephi 11:11). We too may have to drink from a bitter cup. The secret is to follow Christ's example and not become bitter.

Elder Dennis E. Simmons reminds us, "We must have the same faith as Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego. Our God will deliver us from ridicule and persecution, but if not....Our God will deliver us from sickness and disease, but if not....He will deliver us from loneliness, depression, or fear, but if not....Our God will deliver us from threats, accusations, and insecurity, but if not....He will deliver us from death or impairment of loved ones, but if not....we will trust in the Lord. Our God will see that we receive justice and fairness, but if not....He will make sure that we are loved and recognized, but if not....We will receive a perfect companion and righteous and obedient children, but if not,....we will have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, knowing that if we do all we can do, we will, in His time and in His way, be delivered and receive all that He has (D&C 84:35-38).

President Gordon B. Hinckley reminds us of this kind of faith: "Faith is something greater than ourselves that enables us to do what we said we will do. To press forward when we are tired or hurt or afraid. To keep going when the challenge seems overwhelming and the course is uncertain."

My grief journey, and that of my children, has not been an easy one. I naively thought that after getting through the difficult first year of birthdays and anniversaries, that life would get easier. That my grief would end. The second year turned out to be even harder than the first. The numbness had worn away and the realities of what my life had become, were starting to settle in. And here I am 5 1/2 years later, and I can honestly say now that it never ends. My life will never be what it once was. I will never again be who I once was. Our family, as happy as we are all trying to be, will never again in this life be complete. And that makes me very sad.

I will never forget that August day in 2007, as I sat with Melissa and Kim at Huntsman Cancer Institute, listening to the doctors and medical team telling us the realities of what we were facing. It was one of the hardest days of my life. Kim asked the doctor if he would ever be considered "cancer free". Dr. Glantz hesitated for just a moment and then said, "This tumor is what you will eventually die of."  I remember clearly, turning to Melissa and saying with disbelief, "This is never going to end." What I meant was, unless we had a miracle happen, life as we knew it would never be the same. At that time, I was still hoping for a miracle. We didn't give up hope for many months after that, but looking back, what I felt that day was true.

I have great hope that I can find my way back to happiness again. I am working towards that. I have learned a lot about grief over the last few years, mostly the hard way. I am trying to appreciate the good things that my constant companions sorrow and grief have taught me. One of my friends sent me this very insightful link:

15 Things I Wish I’d Known About Grief

Posted on November 21, 2013 by Teryn O'Brien 525 Comments

After a year of grief, I’ve learned a lot. I’ve also made some mistakes along the way. Today, I jotted down 15 things I wish I’d known about grief when I started my own process.
I pass this onto anyone on the journey.

1. You will feel like the world has ended. I promise, it hasn’t. Life will go on, slowly. A new normal will come, slowly.

2. No matter how bad a day feels, it is only a day.  When you go to sleep crying, you will wake up to a new day.

3. Grief comes in waves. You might be okay one hour, not okay the next. Okay one day, not okay the next day. Okay one month, not okay the next. Learn to go with the flow of what your heart and mind are feeling.

4. It’s okay to cry. Do it often. But it’s okay to laugh, too. Don’t feel guilty for feeling positive emotions even when dealing with loss.

5. Take care of yourself, even if you don’t feel like it. Eat healthily. Work out. Do the things you love. Remember that you are still living.

6. Don’t shut people out. Don’t cut yourself off from relationships. You will hurt yourself and others.

7. No one will respond perfectly to your grief. People–even people you love–will let you down. Friends you thought would be there won’t be there, and people you hardly know will reach out. Be prepared to give others grace. Be prepared to work through hurt and forgiveness at others’ reactions.

8. God will be there for you perfectly. He will never, ever let you down. He will let you scream, cry, and question. Throw all your emotions at Him. He is near to the brokenhearted.

9. Take time to truly remember the person you lost. Write about him or her, go back to all your memories with them, truly soak in all the good times you had with that person. It will help.

10. Facing the grief is better than running. Don’t hide from the pain. If you do, it will fester and grow and consume you.

11. You will ask “Why?” more times than you thought possible, but you may never get an answer. What helps is asking, “How? How can I live life more fully to honor my loved one? How can I love better, how can I embrace others, how can I change and grow because of this?” 

12. You will try to escape grief by getting busy, busy, busy. You will think that if you don’t think about it, it’ll just go away. This isn’t really true. Take time to process and heal.

13. Liquor, sex, drugs, hobbies, work, relationships, etc., will not take the pain away. If you are using anything to try and numb the pain, it will make things worse in the long run. Seek help if you’re dealing with the sorrow in unhealthy ways.

14. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to need people. It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay.

15. Grief can be beautiful and deep and profound. Don’t be afraid of it. Walk alongside it. You may be surprised at what grief can teach you.